Affection and physical intimacy
Hi yah! Going on almost 5 months with this fella, the lack of affection on his part is like 9 out of 10. How much affection/sex should be happening? He told me about 2 months ago when I told how much I cared about him to not rush him. Of course at the time I didn’t say “what does that look like for you” he says he’s so busy and stressed out so then he can’t perform he can take a pill too, just alot of distance in this connection with him the last few months. Thx Heidi.
Why Tech Guy?
If you clearly knew he didn’t fall into your ‘my type’ bucket, how did you or what made you think outside the box? I am seeing so many men that seem to have a great profile on paper but their looks and height are not appealing to me and then I’m being too shallow. Was there a thought process that allowed you to expand your mindset and horizons to then have found such a great match for you?
Avoidant Attachment
Hi Sabrina, I know you have a strong opinion on this topic, but I really wanna ask your opinion anyway. My boyfriend of 1 year is pretty avoidant leaning, which made me more and more anxious. I did and continue to do my own work in becoming more secure, which is going really well. I would actually put me in a pretty secure range, though I still get a little anxious when I need to bring up an issue (working on that). He has final exams that stress him out a lot, his workplace is chaotic and he has some issues at home, especially with his dad, who triggers the shit out of him. At one point, I brought up attachment theory and he said it really looks like he fits into more avoidant. We decided together that we would work together on this and we agreed to make some changes. From that day, he was like a new person. All of a sudden he would talk to me openly about his issues at work, what was going on for him, going out of his way to meet my needs, etc. This surprised the hell out of me cause it was like a 180 when last week he wanted to break up cause there were no feelings left and he couldnt give me what I needed. Now a few days ago I asked how he was doing and he broke down and said he cant do this he feels like he is losing himself, he feels caged, etc. I couldn‘t really talk to him cause I could very clearly see his disregulation. I think this is a result of him ignoring our agreement to take small steps so as not to overwhelm his nervous system and instead taking giant leaps which felt absolutely horrifying to his nervous system causing this big outburst. And also him self abandoning his own needs. He broke up with me and i said i accept that because there was no reasoning when he was in that state (i tried). We agreed to talk in a few days but do you think its a good idea to get back together? I obviously want to, but I just can‘t seem to make a decision that feels right. He said the first few days when he was changing his behaviour he felt weird (ofc) but then he noticed he felt better about it and he noticed that he did in fact have feelings for me but when i came over for the weekend on friday, by saturday night it was too overwhelming. AND if we do get back together, should I set a boundary that he cant threaten to break up with me every time I ask how he is doing? Cause no matter how well i feel like its going, the last 4 times i asked how he was feeling he would burst out and tell me we needed to break up. Idk how i feel about it cause i notice that im literally afraid to ask how he is because im afraid of the answer. But i also dont think its gonna help him not feel caged when i tell him you cant just break up with me whenever you want cause technically he can. Sorry for the long ass story🥹
Nervous system
Hey!! I don’t have a specific question, but I was wondering if you could do more episodes referring to the nervous system and regulation techniques, also how it interacts with the attachment styles. I really also love your episodes with masha Kay, you guys have been so helpful!