I would like to hear an episode on dating people with narcissism, or narcissistic traits. I was married to a full blown narcissist for 14 years before finally leaving 3 ½ years ago. I have been in weekly trauma therapy ever since with an amazing therapist. I just started dating again 8 months ago but can’t seem to quit being drawn to narcissistic men. So far 2 out of the 3 men I dated lied & cheated on me. I have a bachelor’s degree in psychology & years of therapy under my belt. I have listened to & taken notes on every episode on your show at least once, as well as completed your Foundation Course & Make it Make Sense. I have read Science of Stuck by Britt Frank (love her work, as well, by the way). I’ve been working on inner child work. I’m trying so hard to get this right. I healed single, but I’m having a difficult time healing in a relationship, due to my attachment disorder. Right now I’m trying to get over a guy I have known for 3 months – we hung out as friends for a month & a half, then dated the other month & a half. Things moved fast. He love bombed me, swept me off my feet. I saw so many red flags but stupidly chose to ignore them. Three days ago his ex wife messaged me with screenshots proving he had been lying to me & cheating on me with her pretty much our entire relationship. He basically used me to try to make her jealous & win her back. I am just sick. I have been cheated on before, but never like this. Not for an entire relationship. I told him I knew about it, and, of course, he apologized & begged me to forgive him & asked me to meet him face to face so he could explain & apologize (easier to manipulate me then). I told him there is nothing to explain, the screenshots tell it all. I went no contact for 2 days and then messaged him again last night saying I was doing fine just being friends with him, even friends with benefits..why did he want so badly to be in a committed exclusive relationship with me if that’s not what he really wanted..was it seriously just a ploy to get his ex wife back? I said that is what I am more pissed about than anything. I was doing just fine & hadn’t gotten my feelings invested. I feel conned. He wrote back but avoided the question (of course) & just kept saying he wants to talk face to face, that our relationship meant something & so it should be discussed in person. I said I refuse to see or speak to him, if he has anything at all to say, he can do it through text, that I deserve to have the truth the way I want the truth. But he wasn’t having it. I’m back to no contact again, but I’m not sure I trust myself to not reach out again. I am so hurt & angry, but the thing is, I know full well that I didn’t even really like him that much. I loved the chemicals produced when he would love bomb me, and I’m missing those chemicals right now. ☹ I am going through withdrawal. I know that. I’m re-listening to Make it Make Sense. I know by contacting him I am only seeking those micro dose hits, which is only prolonging the withdrawal. ☹ Anyway, all that to say….I love listening to Dr. Ramani speak on narcissism, and I heard the episode where she spoke on your show about it, but it seems it was mostly geared toward those with narcissistic parents. I would like to hear you give an episode that deals more with dating a narcissist, mostly how to break free from one. More specifically, all the chemicals involved in all of that - why we seek that, what we are experiencing in our nervous system when it is gone, how to get those chemicals replenished, etc. It helps me more when I understand that most of this is just physiological and physical.
I'm doing the WORK... but...
I'm doing the WORK!!! And taking a break from dating/ dating apps/ social media, because in the past I would "abuse" these and use them to distract myself, in place of actually feeling. Needless to say, it's uncomfortable and I have fear thoughts along the lines of "what if I'm not doing enough work? What if I'm doing the "wrong" work? What if I always feel this way? What if I do this work and don't reap the benefits in this life time?". My logical brain can rationalise these thoughts as, but not limited to, black and white thinking, catastrophes and anxious, but my feeling brain is having a hard time quashing them. Any tips would be appreciated. Love you both so much, Sab and Tech Guy. X
I'm doing the WORK... but...
I'm doing the WORK!!! And taking a break from dating/ dating apps/ social media, because in the past I would "abuse" these and use them to distract myself, in place of actually feeling. Needless to say, it's uncomfortable and I have fear thoughts along the lines of "what if I'm not doing enough work? What if I'm doing the "wrong" work? What if I always feel this way? What if I do this work and don't reap the benefits in this life time?". My logical brain can rationalise these thoughts as, but not limited to, black and white thinking, catastrophes and anxious, but my feeling brain is having a hard time quashing them. Any tips would be appreciated. Love you both so much, Sab and Tech Guy. X
Dating multiple people, guilt
Hi Sabrina! First of all thank you. Im experiencing healthy dating for the first time and I thank you for that. Okay, so I’ve been someone about 6 weeks and it’s been wonderful. I mentioned very early on I’m not looking for something casual and want to find someone to build a relationship with, he said he’s open to the same thing. It’s been a lovely 6 weeks and I was recently thinking about having the exclusivity talk, but I also have been back and forth because I don’t want to put all of my eggs in one basket yet, and want to know him further/longer. Also see him in different situations as you’ve mentioned, with friends, etc. I haven’t been actively on dating apps and I really didn’t expected to be interested in anyone else, but I met someone the other night in person unexpectedly when I was out with friends and am really interested in getting to know him. We’ve been texting briefly and are talking about a plan to meet up. I weirdly feel guilty, like I’m being unloyal to the guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks even though we have not had the exclusivity talk. I know communication is most important so I’m thinking about being open with the both of them, but but also part of me feels like it’s just wrong to try with someone else when I like the first guy so much. Then part of me feels like I’m doing nothing wrong because this is what dating can be about, getting to know potential partners. I’ve never dated more than one person at once and I’m just confused! Any advice or how I could communicate to them without hurting them both? Thank you.